It takes tremendous energy and perseverance to keep going while carrying the memory of past failures, defeats, and horrific events. It’s hard to describe how true this is, and how hopeless it feels to experience this energy sapping merry-go-round day after day, week after week, year after year. It’s exhausting to feel we’re not, and never will be, free from our past.
We mull over the wreckage of relationships that were blown up due to an uncontrollable action or statement on our part. The bridges we burned through our betrayal, lies, and absence re-scar us. We grieve opportunities missed due to our insecurity, self-doubt, and self-sabotaging habits. In the dark moments when we’re alone it’s soul withering to realize all that’s been lost. The longer we live the bigger the pile of defeats becomes.
This is especially tricky when we attempt to recover from complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD). PTSD may be caused by a single traumatic event. C-PTSD is caused by ongoing trauma which lasts for months or years. While both have their roots in similar causes, the degree of complexity can be difficult to evaluate and even more difficult to sort and treat. It is my assertion that everyone suffers from some form of PTSD, it’s just a matter of degrees. (PTSD is also a medical term with certain criteria for diagnosis. I’m using the common form here for those who may or may not have been diagnosed.)
For me, C-PTSD came at the hands of my father in childhood. His uncontrolled violence, alcoholism, and bullying created an environment of horror. Each new incident was layered upon the last until the years became one complex blur of trauma from birth through adulthood.
Later, in therapy, when I began to sort out the blurred events, and address each behavior that I exhibited in relation to the events, I felt I was unloading rocks from a basket. I told my therapist more than once that we had removed the large boulders first, only to find more and more medium sized boulders that were in unending supply. Once I told her that we had exhausted all the medium sized boulders and I was down to the small rocks and gravel. I laugh now at my naivete’ and misunderstanding of what was going on.
The truth is the rocks are not gone. I developed habits and tools* to deal with the rocks when they presented themselves. In fact, the tools have become second nature. Now, I rarely have to consciously seek out which remedy to select for any particular issue. The tools come naturally because of extensive practice and habit.
Do I still sink into self-pity and depression at the overwhelming feelings of regret and grief. Of course. But the low periods are shorter and more shallow. Occasionally, after I’ve solved a problem, I’ll say to myself, “Oh, I used the journaling tool or the do the next right thing tool*.” Often, I only realize that I used a tool at all after the trauma has subsided. Sometimes, I find myself discovering that I’ve made a new combination of the tools.
Most of the time, persistence and focus on the issue at hand brings the relief. Often, they seem to resolve through their own healing, like a cut on the finger. I’m grateful for these moments of natural healing, and that I get a break – Grace, if you will. The miracle continues to foster the faith that healing will continue.
Here’s to Hope,
Maryclara
(*See the articles on habits and tools in other posts on this site via the search feature.)
