Today I started micromanaging everything around me and complaining about everything. My husband’s laundry, which he does himself. The lunch sandwiches, which were not made as we ordered them. The sink drain repair by the plumber who didn’t clean up after himself, etc. You know the drill: I had to have everything perfectly lined up and in order.
It all started a few days ago when a contract assistant I had hired to do some re-working of my website did not complete the contract as we had agreed. It was all in writing, and clear what she was to do and what I would pay for her services. I paid her half to get started, and she did about three-quarters of the work. She then emailed me that she was not going to be able to finish the work and billed me for one half of the remainder.
I told her that prorating was not our agreement. It was a project completion deal. Now, at that point, I could have said, finish it or you’re in breach of contract. But, that was a dangerous thing to do because she still had the logins and power to sabotage the work she’d already done. And, the quality of the work might not have been up to par. I was livid! But, mostly I was triggered.
We went back and forth as she continued to insist that she had performed to a certain level and should be paid, and that she had made me aware a week ago that she would probably not finish. She kept insisting that because she had notified me, that I had agreed to her decision not to complete the work, and that it was a fair outcome for her to bill me a prorated amount.
That was such an insane argument to me because notification is not agreement, and prorated work is not a finished product. I had given her several options of how to finish the work, including extending the time. After her next response, I could see I wasn’t going to get what I needed, and bargained for, and she still wanted me to pay her for it.
The most disturbing part for me was that she thought this was a logical argument, and it just made no sense. No matter how much reasoning I put into my emails, she was never going to see it any differently because she had too much invested in pushing her agenda and position. I felt almost bullied by her exasperation at my inability to agree with her.
Later that day, I found myself instructing my husband about the details of how to hang up a shirt, when he looked at me in such a way that I knew I was acting nuts.
I burst into tears when I realized that I was dealing with a crazy-maker (the web designer, not my husband) and it is one of my primary triggers. It’s a type of gaslighting where the person who has failed in their commitment pushes their argument in such a way that makes the other person appear at fault or unreasonable.
Once I saw the dynamic, the trigger was released, and I dealt with her without trying to make her see my point of view. I got an estimate for someone else to finish the work, changed the logins, and backed up the work to date. Next, I told her how much it was going to be for the work to be completed and that I was taking it out of the remainder left on our contract. That left her with less than what was owed. I told her I would call it even if she just went away, and she did.
In this way, I eliminated the triggering person from my life, and got what I needed from a new business person who didn’t make me crazy. I wish I had recognized the issue sooner, but I’m glad that I finally did see the trigger in the end. Here’s to seeing our triggers sooner and sooner, and…
Here’s to Hope,
Maryclara
